Thursday, October 4, 2012

50 things I thought while reading 50 Shades of Grey

I kicked off my summer of pop culture reads with E.L. James' 50 Shades of Grey trilogy.  It's been the talk of multiple talk shows and slowly become part of the current lingo.  Some are even predicting a 50 Shades baby boom some time next Spring.  For me, it was humorous, hot, and honestly sweet at times.

With all this in mind, I thought I'd compile a list of 50 things I thought while reading 50 Shades of Grey.

Now keep a couple things in mind.  First, this post may be considered R rated due to language and sexual content.  So if you're under 17, ask your parents first before reading.

I mean it.  Stop reading this if you're a kid.  You have no business being here.  Go read something more age appropriate.  And if you refuse to stop, I will call your parents and tell them to make you read Crime and Punishment.

There....I feel better now.

The second thing to keep in mind, this list has been compiled over all 3 books: 50 Shades of Grey, 50 Shades Darker, and 50 Shades Freed.

Third, some of this won't make sense unless you've read the book.  If you can handle or get past the graphic sex scenes, it's a fun read.

50 things I thought while reading 50 Shades of Grey

1.  There seemed a need for more bathing in the book than there actually was.  I choose to believe they were showering when it wasn't written in words. 

2.  Ms. James appears to be in desperate need of a thesaurus.  The word "flush" or some variation of it is used 113 times in book 1, 97 times in book 2, and 51 times in book 3.  That gives us a total of 261 flushes.  I'm flushed just thinking about it.

3.  I will never look at vanilla the same way again.

4.  Sardonic is not a word I regularly use and I swear that it was used more than this in these books: 9 times in #1, 6 times in #2, and 6 times in #3 (for a grand total of 21).

5.  This has got to be the safest sex erotica novel series ever: 16 condoms used in book 1; 15 in book 2 for a total of 31 condoms used (insert sound of ripping foil wrapper).

6.  Do you think Christian Grey is related to Meredith Grey?  I bet they are since both of them are fictional and live in Seattle.

7.  It really seemed like there were more "wicked grins" than 13 across all three books (4 each in #1 and #3 and 5 in #2 -- 13 wicked grins in all).

8.  I wonder how many times Taylor has turned on the cameras to sneak a peak at what's going on in the red room of pain.

9.  Kinky f#*@ery is my new favorite colorful metaphor.

10.  How many men named Christian Grey do you think there are in the US?  And how many of these men are now being constantly hit on?

11.  Another word used way too much: mercurial.  It is used 5 times in #1, 6 times in #2, and 10 in #3 (21 total mercurial statements).  My favorite use is this line: "Oh, he's so mercurial...his mood swings are like a metronome set at presto."

12.  Brushing your teeth with someone else's toothbrush other than your own is just plain gross.

13.  Is all the hair pulling necessary?

14.  My favorite line in the entire series is as follows:  " subsonsious is metaphorically screaming at me..."  And why you may ask is this my favorite line?  It reassured me that I properly understand what a metaphor is and that it cannot do things metaphorically.

15.  We get it.  His eyes are gray.

16.  My mom thought the word "salacious" was commonly used throughout the book, but it was only used a total 26 times (5 in #1, 11 in #2, and 10 in #3).  Although, it is a good adjective for the book series.

17.  Butt plugs do not belong in my vocabulary.

18.  I have picked up a couple great new phrases, one being "shouty capitals."  I AM BEGINNING TO USE SHOUTY CAPITALS MUCH MORE OFTEN.  I SUDDENLY FEEL THE NEED TO YELL.

19.  An alternate title for this book should be "How to Stalk a Woman if You Are Insanely Rich."

20.  It's ALWAYS the mother's fault.

21.  Apparently, biting one's lip is hot.  It happened 24 times in book 1, 12 in book 2, and 2 in book 3 (38 total).  By book 3, she stopped biting her lip and started biting his.  (HA HA!  JUST KIDDING...or am I?)

22.  All this talk of subs makes me want to go to Subway.

23.  I think the title of the book is deceiving.  I've looked at a Pantone color chart and there are only 22 shades noted as gray, although I've counted almost 60 that could be considered gray.

24.  Ted and Pheobe?  Really?  Someone obviously was watching too much "How I Met Your Mother" and "Friends."

25.  Let me ask -- how does one press their mouth into a hard line?  To quote my dear cousin whose name has been omitted for her privacy, "I just think of Bert from Sesame Street when he gets all huffy with Ernie for something."  This expression is used a total of 31 times across the books (14 in #1, 13 in #2 and 4 in #3).

26.  I feel that I now have enough education to point and laugh at people and say, "HA HA!!  You have just f#*@ed hair!"

27.  I now can't help but giggle every time I see a man wearing a gray tie.  I predict they will be in high demand this holiday season.

28.  I wonder if Ms. James intended Steele-Grey to be the 50th shade of grey.

29.  Is it just me or did anyone else want Ana to hover her hands above Christian's chest and play a round of "I'm not touching you?"

30.  Has anyone else caught themselves saying "laters baby?"  Admit it.  You have.  It appeared 38 times (10 in #1, 20 in #2 and 8 in #3).

31.  HA HA!  Bitch-troll!  That was good!

32.  I started to read this book on my Kindle and had it read to me.  It read the word "unreadable" as "unredable."  And it showed up a total of 36 times (15 in #1, 9 in #2, and 12 in #3).  Funny and ironic considering many people find the books themselves to be unreadable.

33.  Another great word to re-use in the future: shananiwhatigans.  Love it!!

34.  If we were to take 50 Shades, Twilight and Grey's Anatomy at face value, the state of Washington is filled with dark and gloomy, overly attractive and horny people.  Maybe Frasier Crane should have stayed in town.  His business would have skyrocketed.

35.  Did anyone else picture the inner goddess as somewhat tinkerbell-like except more annoying to the point where you just wanted to punch her and you were rooting for the subconscious to knock her teeth out?  If so, you'll be happy to know that by mention alone, the subconscious delivered a knock out with 175 mentions over 117 across all three books (subconscious: 79 in #1, 51 in #2, 45 in #3; inner goddess: 57 in #1, 43 in #2, and 17 in #3).

36.  Do you think Taylor and Mrs. Jones secretly borrow the handcuffs and floggers while Christian is away? But not the butt plugs.  NEVER the butt plugs.

37.   My mom's take on the book series: "Read 50 shades and you won't need to have sex for a decade."

38.  Many people have been exasperated by reading these books.  And so was the author.  So much so that she used the word 38 times (16 in #1, 10 in #2 and 12 in #3).

39.  Christian must have one heck of an underwear budget for his subs.

40.  Another good quote from the book:  "My boss is like an angry bear with a sore head and poison ivy up his ass."  That, my friends, has got to be one very unhappy person.

41.  "Oh my" is what so many people are saying.  I think it's a subliminal message in the books as it appears a total of 144 times (44 in #1, 42 in #2, and 58 in #3).

42.  I can see that there will be spikes in the interest in the names Anastasia and Christian.  Take it from a girl whose middle name came from a 70's soap opera.  Once your children find out that their name came from a sex novel, they will either mock you senselessly, gag at the thought, or hate you just a little bit for the rest of their lives.

43.  The word "fifty" is used 184 times total, a few times in succession ("oh fifty, fifty, fifty").  There are 14 in #1, 92 in #2, and 78 in #3.

44.  If men want to use this book as a guide for what to do with women, they only need to heed one piece of advice that it states and it has nothing to do with sex.  Ask a woman what she's thinking.  That's hotter than a flogger.

45.  Women don't find Christian Grey irresistible because of his sex appeal.  It's because he's always making sure they eat.  It comes up a total of 227 times in the books (69 in #1, 78 in #2 and 80 in #3).

46.  Take this for whatever definition you choose.  The word come appears 611 times (191 in #1, 211 in #2 and 209 in #3).

47.  Did anyone else have the overwhelming urge to eat pancakes and bacon?

48.  50 Shades and Twilight are eerily similar.  I don't know that I would have caught it if I hadn't read each series back to back.  (Teaser:  Be prepared for a blog post in the future that details the similarities between the two).

49.  I've tried to save the most over used word for last.  There's quite a bit of murmurs and murmuring going on in these books.  A total of 762 murmurs to be exact (197 in #1,  277 in #2 and 288 in #3).

50.  Did it cross anyone else's mind that maybe, just maybe, once or twice, Anastasia was faking it?  That's what the statistics would say at least.

So many people have asked me if it's worth their time to read this series and it really depends on a few things.  Again, if you can get past the graphic sex, go for it.  If you can't, these books are not for you.  Reading should always be enjoyable and not make you feel like you need to scrub your eyeballs when you're finished.

If you can get past that, the love story between Ana and Christian is sweet and one of my favorite parts of the book is the email banter.  Just remember - don't take this book too seriously.  Just sit back, relax with a glass of wine, and enjoy the ride.  No pun intended.